For someone who has shared blog posts about some of the most intimate details of their life, this is the one that was the one that made me most nervous to write. I never wanted to be one of those people who blog just in the first person and constantly complain. It’s much easier to write about events and scenarios going on in the world, and a lot more impersonal. Entering 2018 I was aware that there was a lot that I wished I had done differently in 2017 and even the two years before. Confused about where to go next and looking for guidance I started reading Daniel Chidac’s book ‘who says you can’t? You do’. I’m not one of those people who has faith that a book can save your life, but I believe this did with me. It didn’t give me spiritual advice and I haven’t now suddenly found my calling in life. But it helped me to ask and answer a lot of questions that I had been avoiding in myself. Like a much needed personal therapy session.
Leaving university this year I realised over these three years, a lot of the friendships I had made were social friendships. This doesn’t mean they weren’t great friends to me, the friendships just should have been based on more than getting ‘fucked up’. The only person whose fault this was is mine, I set myself up as a person who you could text to come out at 10pm and I’d still be free. In my most recent house I would invite people round till ridiculous times in the morning just so I didn’t have to sit or sleep alone. The other week I was by myself at university finishing an essay in the library. I desperately wanted to just go for a coffee or see somebody as the weather was so nice. Looking on social media everyone was busy and I found myself not knowing who to text. I can guarantee if I had called on a mad party my phone would have been inundated with messages. After having a really bad experience on a night out last winter I stayed in for the majority of the first part of 2018, and in doing so distanced myself a lot. This was in an attempt to sort myself out, as I could feel my mental health deteriorating. It then became apparent that everyone wants to know you through the good times, but I will always be the one dealing with the aftermath when those good times end.
Alcohol, smoking and substance abuse are something that no one really talks about in a bad light, because they’re so normalised. It’s hard to have a different view point when it comes to these types of things, being born into a generation who live for the weekends. But I have confidence that there is more to life than counting down from Monday. Sadly over these three years, and even before I started university my body has learnt the hard way and I’ve truly lived up to the nickname ‘crazy Kath’. It’s tough to explain to people who have never woken up physically fearing for their life, or been put into hospital because of certain habits they have. I want to be able to run down the road with ease, to not have heart palpitations or a panic attack each Sunday after going out, to enjoy drinking and remember every night. For years I have blamed and pointed the finger at everything and anyone but myself. And many people will go through life unaffected by the things I just mentioned, they’re the lucky ones I guess. But Daniel Chidiac reminded me that I am in complete charge of my future and every action I take contributes to it, and for me these habits were killing my spirit slowly but surely.
It’s weird and hard to be feeling this way at 20, but I know my body feels about 26 and my mind definitely does. It’s okay if you think this post is stupid, if you want to share it on your group chat and laugh, I’m sure I’ve been on enough of them in the past. You don’t have to relate to anything I’ve said, this post is simply for no one else but myself. University has taught me that writing is one of the most therapeutic things, and in a way this little blog has been a little release for so many emotions. I have learnt a lot of stuff since being thrown into this big world at the end of 2015, some good some bad but all worth it. Learning it’s okay to have a different take on things, and there’s no point in killing yourself just trying to keep up with others. I only hope what I have learnt I can pass onto other people, that there is so much to live for and so much more out there than you realise. As Daniel Chidiac says ‘I believe the true meaning of our experiences is not to learn but to teach others what we have learned’
People from all around the world are enduring traumatic events every day, I myself have experienced some on this three-year journey. But we make it through, we become stronger because of what has happened to us, and we grow through our experiences. It doesn’t mean I won’t enjoy myself or my life and go a little crazy sometimes. I’ll always be a bit of a nutter but that’s in my character, not defined by what toxins I put in my body. So, the next time you’re feeling stressed worried and stuck, just remember… Who says you can’t? You do.
Here’s to a bigger and better future.
*If you’re struggling with anxiety, panic attacks or even feel lost like I was at the beginning of this year I recommend buying Daniels book; Link below*
Katherine O'Rourke 