We live in a world where 1-4 people deal with mental health issues. I made this blog as a way to deal with my own anxiety and panic. Writing things down became a coping mechanism, a sense of release. Which is funny as the last couple of months, I had to take a massive break from writing, due to a period of depression following my graduation. It’s weird because it has been the months where I had a lot of plans, and according to my social media I’ve been happy with no worries. Yet some days even holding a conversation felt draining and overwhelming and sometimes I couldn’t bring myself to get out of bed, let alone put words to a page. This won’t just be a blog post of me purely sharing my experiences, but more of a conversation. On different types of mental health disorders, and how we need to change the way our society perceives and deals with them. Our minds are so important, and I think they deserve just as much consideration as our physical bodies.

I’ve suffered with panic attacks since 2014, but over the years I’ve learnt different ways to live with them. The other week I had a panic attack just before an interview, but I took myself to the toilet and calmed myself down. They never go away but coping with them and the mechanisms I use make it a lot easier. Apart from the panic attacks I always counted myself lucky when it came to my mental health, this has changed a lot. Ever since I was able to go out I have been a party girl, never thinking about what I was doing as long as it was fun. After my assault happened partying/recreational turned into habitual behaviour, then to harmful addictions, that to be honest I’ve been fighting ever since. I regret the choices I’ve made a lot, losing a lot of good people from my life, because I just wanted to be out all the time. I wanted to disassociate myself, to forget, to be numb and to be out of control. If you want the definition of off the rails, that was me two years ago.

At the end of last year I finally spoke about my assault; after a lot of running away, I let it catch up with me. In addressing what had happened to me I addressed what toxic habits I had been using as coping mechanisms. Throughout 2018 I’ve been fighting who I used to be, regardless of small setbacks I am determined to take my mental health seriously, and for the first time in a long time listen to my body. PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder) is something I have only just recently researched into. For months after my assault, I would get nightmares waking up in a cold sweat needing to throw up, I couldn’t sleep properly and felt anxious/on edge in my own room. My only solution was to go out, I would then blame my panic attacks and chest pains on come downs from the night before. Constant use of drugs, alcohol, even nitrous oxide and cigarettes caused me to develop anxiety like symptoms, which would often last for weeks on end. I remember at my lowest calling my mum mid panic attack because I felt like a dead women walking, hoping that some nights I just wouldn’t wake up. Looking back these were all symptoms of PTSD, I just wasn’t aware at the time.

The conversation around anxiety and depression has become somewhat an open and loud one, especially on social media. Around July and August time, I experienced symptoms of situational depression, jobless and fresh out of university, I was struggling health wise and found myself in and out of hospital. This was when a huge cloud of unhappiness came over me. I was angry that I had to move home for third year, that I turned to a life that was slowly killing me, the anger made me feel like my life would be like this forever. Depression makes you think you’re worthless, that no one would care if you shared how you were feeling, it eats you from the inside out. Thankfully it is a mental disorder that I know a lot of people suffer with, after months of darkness, I spoke to the people closest to me about how I felt. If I had known more about PTSD, I would have been able to seek similar but specific help for this disorder. So many more mental health disorders exist that don’t get spoken about as openly in the public eye. For that to change even slightly there are social systems in place, which need to be broken and replaced.

Last week was #worldmentalhealthday, it was a day where I saw more conversation around mental health than ever before. But this needs to be a discussion that carries on past a day to put generic quotes on our Instagram’s. If people telling you ‘its okay not to be okay’ over and over again doesn’t help you, therapy is something I can vouch for that may help. Private Therapy sessions are great, if you can afford to pay £50 each time. Unfortunately I could never afford this, despite needing intensive sessions after my assault, I only managed to obtain a few free appointments. Many centres which provide this type of therapy, are overworked and underpaid, meaning there is normally a waiting list to even be seen once. The funding for mental health trusts is £105 million lower than five years ago. Despite mental health services only consuming 11% of the NHS budget, mental health problems actually account for over 23% of the burden of disease in the UK. With the NHS cuts becoming a normality, it is no wonder that the services put in place for mental health disorders are suffering as a result. We live in a society that creates these mental states, through the toxic ways of social media, to oppressive systems that portray struggle as a weakness. Sadly it has become routine, and there is no working structure in place to deal with it.

I’m inspired by all the incredible people out there fighting their own battles and minds every day. I’m more inspired by them than the people in charge of our country right now. Politics is something I’ve always spoken confidently about, and find it important to educate myself on. I’ve been bantered for voting Labour and choosing to remain in the EU several times, especially on nights out. At the moment with the current state of the UK I stand with no political party. When a party starts investing in young people’s minds, realising the mental is just as important as the physical state, that’s who I’ll stand with. The people in positions of power have a duty of care, that at the moment I feel they are abusing. Today’s government have to realise that mental health battles aren’t going anywhere, and more time and money needs to be spent dealing with it. The suicide rate in men is rising, and nothing is being done about it. Boys are taught from a young age that to show their feelings is weak, to not be okay is fragile. Therefore we as a society have to make peoples suffering more visible, whilst looking inwards at the ways we conduct ourselves, that could be hurtful. The people in positions of power aren’t delivering any changes or results, so matters must be taken into our own hands. We have to work towards solutions, for ourselves and our future generation’s sakes.

Sometimes I would drive myself crazy, asking why isn’t my life a certain way? Why has this happened for other people but not me? Why has my life taken this route and path? The simple answer is maybe your story is just different from the rest. The toxic traits I created for myself so I could survive living in the room I was assaulted in, no longer serve me. I don’t have to live in survival mode anymore, I’ve realised I wasn’t living; I was merely existing. I still get flashbacks sometimes, two weeks ago I had a night terror and woke up in a cold sweat. Each day gets easier though, time is and always will be the biggest healer. It’s a cliché but every morning through those periods of darkness, where I felt helpless and lost I would tell myself ‘Get up, show up, dress up, and never give up’. There is 7.6 billion of us on this planet, each making our mark, each pushing on despite what life throws at us, and I think we all deserve a round of fucking applause.

So heres a reminder that my direct messages are always open to talk (@kathorourke_). Some people won’t understand what you’ve been through and that’s okay. No one has been inside your head, just because they don’t understand doesn’t make your emotions invalid. You might not feel better straight away but talking is the first and most important step. Looking back at my own experiences, talking about what happened to me not only helped me, but saved me in every way possible. I believe there is power in admitting your weaknesses, admitting that you have toxic traits, and knowing there is room for personal growth within you. If you carry on despite all of this and despite how you feel in the present, with the hope your future can be brighter than you ever imagined. Well, that’s what makes you strong.