Someone once told me that life never makes sense at the time, we often only see the next step in front of us. In modern life it is normality day to day that we get fixated on preparing for the future and dwelling on the past. We do this so much we often overlook the importance of the moment we are currently living in. There is no way to know where each choice we make is going to lead us, or where we will end up a year from now. However looking back on different stages of our lives, with hindsight it all becomes clearer in the larger story. Each step, each decision, and each mistake you have made will make sense with a broader view. In time you will see that you made the best decision you knew how to make at that point in your life. This is the beauty of Sense.
This year I have been continually struggling to make sense of the journey I was on, feeling lost throughout most of it. In April I went to watch the London Marathon and was in awe at the whole experience. Being from Essex Marathon day is just known as a social thing for everyone to meet up and drink, not exactly to watch the runners. Going to Marathon day this year I was in a weird headspace and actually craving a break from going out/drinking. Social media to me had turned toxic, I would spend a lot of my free time comparing my life to others and overthinking everything I posted. Seeing those people on Marathon day putting their bodies through all that pain in order to help other people was so inspiring, and for me some sunshine in a cloudy time mentally. So on the 1st of June I took the plunge and confirmed my charity place for the London 2019 Marathon with Sense, an organisation that helps deaf, blind and children with learning difficulties.
When it came to researching and picking a charity there was no doubt in my mind that Sense was who I should run for. Sense are a national charity that supports people with complex communication needs, including those who are deaf/blind, to be understood, connected and valued. They are there for every person who faces communication barriers in a world that relies on being able to see and hear well to be connected. Since she was born my little sister has suffered with communication and learning difficulties. My mum fought tirelessly to make sure she had the same opportunities as any other child, regardless of any setbacks she faced she pushed her to be the best she could be. Now my sister runs nationally as a para athlete competing in championships most weekends, she is my inspiration everyday. I know first-hand how hard it has been for her to suffer with a disability that is invisible to the naked eye. The work Sense do is truly life changing, many families feel hopeless and don’t know how to cater for a child with special needs. Sense opens doors to these families and unblocks barriers to communication so no one is isolated, left out or unable to fulfil their potential.
Once I decided to run the London Marathon I knew there would be a long and difficult journey ahead. For most the training itself is a gruelling challenge, but I knew when I committed to doing it I would have other obstacles in my way. Throughout 2018 I tried my hardest to transform the harmful lifestyle I had been living for years, to turn my whole life around for the better. Using self help apps and various forms of meditation, I managed to quit smoking for over a month, substances for more than 110 days and had controlled my drinking completely. On the 20th of October I became newly single, a panic and pain filled me when something I had expected to last forever ended so abruptly. This led me to use past coping mechanisms I had tried so desperately to cut out of my life. Looking back over my teenage years I have never been single and had my shit together. I have always embraced the wildness, craziness and free feeling that is commonly associated with being single. In relationships you become used to having someone to fall back on, they are like your safety blanket in this crazy world. Where as when you are single you have to stand on your own two feet, depending on yourself completely. Trying to quit habits on your own is harder and can seem like a lonely/isolating process. However I’m learning to not beat myself up over struggling to quit stuff I have been doing for nearly 7 years ,in just a few weeks. These things take time, and healing takes time, at the end of the day we are all human.
I’m accepting that I will never fully comprehend why my relationship ended, or be able to make sense of why he just decided he didn’t want a girlfriend anymore. I won’t always be able to make sense of the past completely, or understand why my journey feels harder than others may appear. What I do know is why and who I am running the London Marathon for, so that’s what I’m choosing to focus on. Through everything I’ve always felt quite strong on my own, and for the first time in a long time I feel able to face and handle the future by myself. Each day learning and accepting that I will continue to grow and live an amazing life, regardless of who comes and goes out of it. When I look inwards on myself I am so grateful for the life I have in front of me. Having the ability to train for the marathon, for my health and the chance to completely recreate myself. It’s impossible to help everyone in the world, but knowing that running 26 miles is going to benefit others is helping me to change my life. Taking part in the marathon is pushing me to finally have a goal and purpose outside of my usual comfort zones. Every time I run I can see that my body and mind are more powerful than I ever believed. Finding that no matter how many times you fall down or slip up the fact you keep trying is all that matters.
A few weeks ago I was giving a friend who was feeling down and helpless advice, we was discussing the benefits exercise can have on your mental health. After searching for some self help books they could read, googling different meditations and exercises. In the end some key advice I gave them was to write… write it all down, every feeling, every emotion, every sense of confusion down. Just write down everything you have gone through and are still going through, how you dealt with it and how you got past it everyday. So if you feel like you can’t carry on, you can read back and remember that you can forget the past whilst taking with you the lesson each hardship has taught you. Reading through my blog posts reminds me that all the bad stuff had to happen. To make me the person I am and to bring me to this point in my life where I am training for the London Marathon. Eventually when you look back everything will make sense, and you will be wiser because of it. Knowing that you can rise up from anything, that you can completely recreate yourself, you can think new thoughts, you can create new habits. All that matters is that you decide today and never look back.
Katherine O'Rourke 