Alone… a word that most people naturally associate a sense of sadness and pity with.

I promised myself this year that I would be fearless in everything I did and even if I was scared I wouldn’t let it stop me. Being alone doesn’t have to be all doom and gloom, like everything in life it is what you make it. I said to myself as I entered 2019 I wouldn’t be afraid of the idea, I would take being ‘alone’ in my stride. For me this year being alone meant I’m not actively looking or pursuing any sort of new relationship, just enjoying this solo time. By being alone this year and freeing myself from my past, I’ve met new people, seen amazing places, been on incredible holidays with new & old friends. So why is it within society we have this integrated fear that as a woman once we get older it is seen a shame to be alone.

In 2019 I have been for food alone, to the cinema alone, seen art work alone, been to a spa alone, travelled from Barcelona to Ibiza alone & ran 26 miles alone. It doesn’t mean I don’t have countless amazing friends, it simply means I appreciate my own company just as much. Leaving 2018 I had spent most of the year putting others first and fighting to keep so many people by my side. I depended on people for a lot of things including my own happiness. It’s only when I stopped putting so much pressure on myself to have this perfect life, I realised I could take on anything and everything that came my way. You realise more and see things clearer by being carefree, letting go of set expectations and routes. If you mess up along the way that’s fine, you are always learning, no mistake is futile you take something away from it all. So many of the lessons I have taken from this year I realised through being alone. 

One of my favourite snippets from ‘What a time to be alone’ by the author The Slumflower reads ‘Stop waiting for someone to give you that unconditional fairytale love and give it to yourself’ So if you’re reading this and you feel lonely, pour yourself a glass of wine and play your favourite music. Watch that series you’ve been putting off, or even better take yourself to the cinema. Go for dinner at that new restaurant you’ve always wanted to. If you can’t enjoy your own company, how can you expect others to? This is the question that The Slumflower deliberates around in her book. Once you are able to be secure in your solitude, the ever changing toll of life becomes less of a burden on your shoulders, and you can begin to live freely. In life there are times where people will inevitably disappoint you, but you’ll have the knowledge that you and you alone have got yourself no matter what. As The Slumflower says we all deserve greatness, so we should give it to ourselves, stop waiting around for someone to come and rescue you, life will pass you by while you’re waiting.

Growing up in a household with just my mum and sister, I saw first hand what it really takes to be strong alone. My mum is and always will be my role model, the woman is the epitome of strength. Anything that is thrown at her she takes it in her stride and manages to maintain so much positivity. There simply aren’t enough words for much she inspires me everyday. She taught me to be independent, free thinking and kind hearted, the woman I am today I owe to her. When I was younger people would pity me because I came from a broken home, looking back I wouldn’t have it any other way. My mum raised me to accept that people will come and go from our lives, and sometimes it will hurt unbearably, but that doesn’t mean you stop. You have to carry on. One thing she has always installed in me from a young age is to stop looking for what you need in other people, and start finding it within yourself. You will always find the strength you hoped and wished for was with you all along.

Looking back at this year I have pushed myself out of my comfort zone more than ever before, and I’m so grateful for all the new people I have met through doing that. Although there is a difference between going on dates, talking to people here & there and actually letting someone into your life. The truth is I’m a little scared, scared to be that close to someone again that it hurts so much losing them. I tell myself everyday that this fear is fine, this fear is normal. What matters most is the action, carrying on despite this feeling and putting yourself back out there. A little saying I once heard was its okay to put walls up just make sure you leave a door in the wall open. When I think of the ‘me’ this time last year, a smile beams across my face because I know how hard I fought to get where I am now. Despite all the worry, uncertainty and self doubt the future is bright because growth, knowledge, and experience are boundless. Whether that future involves a significant other is unknown, but what I do know is I will be okay regardless.

So in this moment I have decided, instead of panicking and running away from this idea of being alone for the foreseeable future, I need to take that fear and turn it into a positive. As cliche as it sounds we are only here once and I am determined to make a beautiful life for myself no matter what. 2019… it’s not been a perfect year but that’s not life, what it has been is a year of being fearless, carefree, taking on anything and everything that came my way. No partner, no armour, no faking, just being true to myself. As I finish this post I am sat in Box Park, one of my favourite spots in Shoreditch, enjoying some food & drink alone. Slightly apprehensive, a little unsure what the future holds, but I am doing it anyway & I am happy. 

The image for this blog post is not something I would normally post. I am fresh out the shower with nothing to hide behind but this is ultimately how we need to learn to love ourselves. Through all the fuss and expectations of modern life… No armour just you.