I have always believed that love is love, it’s not attached to a gender, race or religion, it stands alone. I remember even as a young teenager saying to my mum that I didn’t care who I spent my life with, as long as I loved them. Who would have thought this would lead to me coming to terms with being bisexual at 22.

There are preconceived conceptions about what it means to be Bi, it’s not something for men to fantasise over, it’s not a phase, it’s not an experiment… it’s simply who I am. I’m open to relationships with women, I’m open to relationships with men, I’m open to relationships with those who identify as Non-Binary or anyone that makes me feel good, values me and grows with me through life. This post is not intended to inform the world of my sexuality, I am who I am, and I don’t need validation from anyone to accept this. I know first-hand when dealing with something, seeing reading or knowing someone else has gone through it feels like they’re carrying the load with you. So this post is for the confused individuals, the individuals trying to find themselves and the individuals coming to terms with everything they are. My blog has always been a place of freedom and truth, so I’m sharing my experiences as I’ve done before in the hope that it reaches someone out there struggling. I hope they read this and know that they are valued, it’s okay to love who you love, and be who you are. Here’s hoping it doesn’t take them 8 years of narcissistic relationships, abuse and trauma to get there.

Where do I start… I’d be lying if I said this was some ground-breaking revelation I had. The truth is from an early age I’ve had experiences with women, chatting up/getting with girls on nights out, kissing my ‘best friends’ in primary school, threesomes and experimenting with the same sex. I would remember people saying ‘oh Kath she’s just crazy’ ‘that fun party girl’, I internalised any feelings I had and assumed it was the truth, there’s no way I could be attracted to women like that. I wish I could go back and shake myself, tell myself your emotions are valid, you don’t have to hide parts of yourself. By writing this post it’s me coming to terms with myself and how I’ve always felt. Valuing my emotions and inner peace and allowing myself space to be free to connect with and love whoever I want. As Kehlani said when asked about her sexuality ‘love is love, and that love lies in every gender there is’. Looking back at the dominance of the patriarchy ingrained into women from the youngest of ages is one of the reasons it has taken me this long to come out. So from now on I’m teaching myself everyday how valuable I am despite the misogyny within society. Reminding myself everyday how needed my voice is in this world; learning to trust and love myself enough to leave the table when respect is no longer being served. As natural as it feels to be with a woman, all of this is still a huge adjustment. It has taken me years of bad experiences to be able to look at a situation and think no I’m better than this and walk away. 

Since I realised I was attracted to women, I’ve dated around 5 women, some of whom I have ended up just being friends with. This is something I find is not specific to gender, a few of the boys I started talking to with romantic intentions in the past, turned out to just be really good mates. There is no problem with dating someone and realising that no romantic or sexual connection lies there. I’ve found that there are positives to dating women and negatives to dating women, just the same as with men. At 23 I am learning that it really is not about gender, it is simply about the person underneath, who they are and how they make you feel. It’s about finding that spark you have and a sense of peace in knowing they’re my person, they’ve got me no matter what. I’ve had this feeling once before, it’s really something incredibly special. Sometimes it doesn’t last though, and that’s okay too. I believe we don’t meet anyone by accident, our paths cross because they’re meant to teach us something and help us to experience new things in the time that we do have together. Life is too short to hold grudges, that anger and bitterness will only eat you up inside long term. View everyone you meet in life as having a purpose, this brings you peace when things sometimes come to an end. When dating new people I remind myself that if I wouldn’t take disrespect from a boy then a girl is no different. Man, Women, Non-binary, it doesn’t matter, no one has the right to take the love and kindness you put out there for granted. I hope if you find yourself in a situation like this, that you realise how strong you are. As kids we are sold this magical love story, when the love story that truly matters is the one we have with ourselves. 

For me there’s not been one big moment where I announced my sexuality. At work, to my friends and my mum/sister I started to casually drop it into conversations – ‘I have a date tonight…it’s with a girl’ ‘I’m kind of dating someone right now…yeah she’s a girl’. The fact that every reaction was positive, and no one treated me any differently is how I knew these are some incredible people I have in my life. Everyone else’s reactions helped me to eventually come out to my Dad on Father’s Day. We cried, hugged and I felt accepted for who I am, they love me and want me to live a life I’m happy within. My heart goes out to those whose families aren’t supportive or feel they have to hide who they are to be accepted by them. I’m truly blessed with every single person in my life, encouraging me to be who I am and to be unafraid in doing so. It is the 21st century… not everyone’s idea of happily ever after involves the white picket fence, perfect house or a husband… and that’s okay. Society is changing and I personally feel for the better. Relationships are starting to look different and households are adapting from what most of us grew up in. Don’t be afraid if your ‘fairy-tale ending’ is simply you making something of your life and being happy whilst doing so. Growing up I remember thinking about the time constraints put on women, the panic to be settled down by 30. This idea of the perfect little life doesn’t feel like an end game anymore. I want to be so in love with every aspect of my life, that when I do find a partner, they’re a wonderful addition. Because, in case no one has told you today, you are and always will be enough on your own. 

Biphobia is something I’ve witnessed quite a bit already, it’s not always obvious and out there sometimes it’s passive in a passing comment. One thing I have found when telling some people I’m bi is that dismissive ‘ohhhhh okay’ afterwards. The sense that because you like boys and have always dated boys that makes you less queer and less attracted to girls. When talking about boys I fancy it doesn’t make me any less Bi. That’s the wonderful thing, one does not cancel out the other. This attitude that oh you’re more into girls this week, oh you’re dating a boy so you like boys now, is detrimental. Having that attitude towards bisexuals is one of the main reasons a lot of people don’t come out. Growing up we are programmed to see a heterosexual relationship as the norm and only option. I’m pretty sure if society was more accepting of queer relationships, I would have been dating girls from an early age. The conversations, dates and experiences I’ve had with women have already in some cases set my soul on fire. I have always known the power, strength and beauty of women’s minds, so the thought I could possibly be spending my life and growing old with a woman excites me more than anything.

One of the reactions I’ve had to coming out was ‘Well with what you’ve gone through I’m not surprised’. When I was sexually assaulted in 2016, I remembered thinking how will I ever be able to feel safe around a man again, but over time I allowed myself to trust, live and love as I had once done before. However not all of these relationships in the years after my assault were healthy. Looking back even further, many of the heterosexual relationships I had were unhealthy and toxic in so many ways. I found I would shrink myself to the male gaze, silencing my ideas, my words for what? So a man would find me more appealing, I refuse to live my life like that. I’ve pulled myself out of dark spots people couldn’t even imagine, I’ll be damned if I let anyone make me feel inferior within my own mind and body. I have tears as I write this, I wish more than anything I could go back and hug teenage me. Let her know that there will be people out there who will love her, value her and listen to her. Tell her that things might be shitty for a while, but that she has so many incredible experiences ahead of her, experiences she doesn’t even know of yet. She’ll flourish in her job bettering her career, will have come to terms with her sexuality, be surrounded by irreplaceable friends and so much love. That things won’t just be better but more amazing than she can ever imagine.

I couldn’t write this post without paying homage to all the people who fought for LGBTQ+ rights during the Stonewall Uprising. Some names we should never forget are Marsha P. Johnson, Stormé DeLarverie and Sylvia Rivera. Marsha P. Johnson, a black transgender woman and drag queen performer, worked as an advocate for LGBT+ rights. Sylvia Rivera, a Latina transgender woman and drag queen performer, a known advocate for the disadvantaged, especially the homeless. Stormé DeLarverie, a black lesbian and drag king performer, who worked as a bodyguard at lesbian and gay bars after the Stonewall Riots. Without these brave women who sacrificed everything for our right to love and be who we want to be there would be no pride, let us never forget. ‘We have to be visible. We shouldn’t be ashamed of who we are. We have to show the world that we are numerous. There are many of us out there’ – Sylvia Rivera

 Not sure what people’s reactions to this post will be, but the way I see it, opinions are simply what they are… just opinions. If my posts help one person dealing with a similar situation to mine then it’s all worth it. It’s important to remember no one knows you like you do, what you’ve gone through and how you feel inside. Be vulnerable, be authentic, wear your story every day and be proud of yourself. I for one will continue to be unapologetically myself, continue to do anything and everything that makes me happy, and pay no mind to how people perceive this. Your past doesn’t define you, this is your life and your story to write. To anyone reading this post struggling with who they are, remember the world needs you, your passion, your smile and your love. 

So here’s to an ever changing lifetime of experiences, adventures and love whatever they may look like.

Love is Love and it is amazing.