Going into this year I was unaware of how much was shifting in my life and inside me as a person. I couldn’t have anticipated how much I would learn in the last 12 months and what each valuable lesson would teach me. Throughout 2020 I’ve continued on this journey to find out more about who I am, what I want from my life and where I feel happiest in this world. I saw a quote from Kehlani the other day that really resonated with me and inspired me to write this post finishing off the year: 

‘•unlearning• unlearning feelings and thoughts that don’t belong to me, learning to recognize the thoughts & feelings that are 100% of my own. unlearning vanity. learning the difference between when i truly feel beautiful, and when i feel i have to prove my beauty to others. unlearning oversharing. learning the difference between when i genuinely feel called to speak or show, vs when i feel the need to defend, prove, or look for validation outside of my own. unlearning codependency. learning real love. unlearning self depreciation. learning self love & self preservation. unlearning neediness. learning wholeness. unlearning mindlessness. learning mindfulness. unlearning powers that be… learning Spirit’

A lot of 2020 has involved me unlearning parts of myself influenced by society and learning the parts of me that feel truly authentic to my soul. Throughout the years I have found myself constantly battling with who I am and the different parts that make up me. Naturally putting myself into different boxes, shaming myself for simply growing in and out of phases. I give credit to a lot of artists, authors and musicians whose art has impacted my growth. The truth is the real growth and healing starts within. There’s only so much outside impact’s can help, until you sit down and start those hard conversations with yourself. As completely unpredictable as 2020 has turned out, I’ve found growth in the unknown, adapted more than I thought I could and found incredible peace within myself. Yet I’m conscious that there is still so much more to me than I know in this moment. So much to learn, so many layers to shed, it feels like each day the lessons I endure are worth every uncertain feeling. Helping me to feel more comfortable and happy with the women looking back at me in the mirror. Not because of how she looks, but because of who she is.

Here are a few things I have been unlearning and learning within this year. I hope they encourage you to take the time and reflect on the achievements big or small of this year. Developing you further within the most important relationship in your life, the one with yourself.

Self Care/Love – It goes without saying but self care and self love are the two most important things we can give to ourselves. This year self care/love has come in all sorts of shapes and sizes. I’ve realised over time it’s not all face-masks, scented candles and bubble baths. It transpires in learning hard truths and unlearning toxic thoughts and habits. It is an ongoing process, it’s recognising when I’m unbalanced and taking the time to remove myself from the space I’m in. Unlearning carrying on until my emotions get the better of me and I self implode. Learning to prioritise taking care of number one, first and foremost. Realising you cannot pour from an empty glass.

Social Media – Social media is such an incredible tool, to site/share knowledge, be creative and interact with friends. It’s important however to step back and remember you are separate from apps like Instagram. This year I have chosen to share more of my creativity than ever before, although I remember on past dates people would say ‘You’re so different from your instagram’ ‘I thought you’d be a bit ditzy and ignorant’. At first I was insulted, then I realised no one truly knows me beyond those little boxes I choose to share. Maybe that’s my power in a way. Unlearning dependency of constant sharing and the need for people knowing my every move. Learning the value of sharing what brings me joy whilst knowing my true character is beyond what is shown on the internet. 

Meditation – During the first lockdown back in March I started meditating during my lunch breaks and after work. Taking those 5 or 10 minutes a day to sit in my garden, appreciate the sun on my face and grass on my skin, helped me at times turn my whole day around. I was so overcome with pent up emotions that I cried during my first three meditations, but I found such a sense of peace through it. When the world was in a state of turmoil, I appreciated those few minutes of quiet and solitude. Unlearning this constant need to be connected to other people and taking in information all the time. Learning to be okay with just my own thoughts, taking the much needed time to be silent and still.

Codependency – In 2020 I have allowed myself to connect with so many different souls. Conversations, dates and experiences with some incredible people, crossing paths in one way or another. I’ve come to realise that you can flow through life experiencing beautiful connections and remain unattached to them at the same time. What I constantly remind myself to do is pour the same attention back into me. This year that’s come in the form of taking myself to dinner, art galleries, weekends away, spoiling myself just as much as the people in my life. Unlearning forcing relationships that are no longer aligned with me. Learning to stay unattached, whilst still enjoying peoples company and current moment spent with them, however long or short it may be. 

Spirituality – I have always written, journaled and set myself affirmations, at one point in 2018 my walls were covered in loose paper. Then throughout this summer I started speaking to a girl, finding myself completely in awe with the way she viewed the world. She spoke to me about the law of attraction and how it had changed her life. Encouraging me that with my infectious energy anything I want I can materialize. Fast forward to now I am studying spirituality, manifesting and journaling more each day since. Writing down every and any emotion, leaning into gratitude and good intentions with each page. Unlearning self doubt within myself, blaming myself for past actions and negative beliefs. Learning the importance of the power of now, crystal healing, cleansing my space and believing that what is mine will always be mine.

Gratitude – It has truly been a year of gratitude, appreciating everything I have in my life the small and big. My family, my friends, my health, my house, the sun, life itself. Finding even on the hardest of days to say thank you for everything I have. As I sit here and type, reflecting on my 23 years on this earth, a sense of contentment flows across me. For all I have experienced and all I am yet to. I feel like the richest person alive for all the blessings in my life. During such a year of struggle I was able to take in so much beauty this world has to offer. I’ve come to realise nothing works without gratitude. We have to learn to appreciate this current moment, as tomorrow is not guaranteed. So take some time today to reflect on all you’ve been through and how incredible it is for you to be here alive and abundant.

2020 was such a year of growth for my little blog. I cannot express the gratitude I feel in being able to express myself through this form of creativity. So thank you for reading my words, I hope they continue to resonate and speak to you. Hopefully helping you to realise that everything you search for externally is within you internally. All the love, abundance, courage, joy, it’s with you always.