Sabina Nessa, Sarah Everard, Nicole Smallman, Bibaa Henry. We send prayers, we repost as much as we can, we say their names then the news articles start to disappear and current headlines fill the gaps. Life goes back to normal and people forget their stories. For women, these names are always in the back of our minds, they are with us when we walk home at night, when we leave friends at the pub, when we enter any public space. More women are becoming a hashtag in front of our eyes and gender based violence is seemingly normalised. The news has weighed heavy on my heart and I have wanted to address this discourse in a post for some time. So I’m writing this for all women. We have altered our behaviour since we were little girls, we have been doing this our whole lives. We are tired. Change is needed and it is long overdue.

On the 17th of September, Sabina Nessa was murdered walking to her local pub. Breaking news intensified the fear that women are unsafe on the streets of London. However,  this fear is something we feel every day, it is not new to women; it has just now been brought to the forefront of mainstream media outlets. The media chooses the amount of coverage for a life lost and it is inherently biased towards white skin. All lives deserve equal measure and to be grieved and treated with the respect they deserve, too often Black and Brown women are forgotten. They are not just another name added  to the list but a human being who was loved and still is loved by so many. Between March 2021 and September 2021, so many women have gone missing or been murdered around the world. I often think of the women whose names we will never know. Their stories remain untold, yet I feel their presence and hold them close to my heart.

I could go into all the ways as a woman that I have been belittled, mistreated, abused, ridiculed at the hands of men. The truth is I know there are good guys out there, I know it is not all men, but when I am walking home at night I don’t have the luxury of knowing which one it could be. Patriarchal behaviour is so intertwined within society that it is not an isolated incident, we are dealing with deep rooted misogynistic culture. The only way to start shifting this is in addressing appropriate behaviour in the workplace, and society in general, continuing to break down gender stereotypes. Women need to be elevated to positions of power, reducing male domination in all aspects of life. Challenge the undermining of women’s and girl’s autonomy and value when boys exhibit it in order to break this chain of negative attitudes. It starts with each man challenging their own behaviour. This will then collectively turn a corner so that women can live free of fear from harassment, intimidation, abuse and violence.

Over the last year we have witnessed a disturbing increase of violence against women. This has in turn stirred a national conversation, inspiring vigils and protests, a higher sense of intensified scrutiny of police and prompted deeper exploration of the misogynistic culture often at the root of this violence. Then in October, headlines started to appear that women were being spiked by injection in different cities around the UK. Scrolling online, I read the awful stories of how many girls were being spiked, and how they were targeting university cities. Women already take huge precautions when it comes to a night out. Staying together, guarding our drinks, making sure we text when we are home, staying aware of our background and being on guard always. Awareness of our surroundings is always at the back of our minds. Now, in 2021 we have to worry about being possibly injected when out enjoying ourselves. Enough is enough, what should women wear on a night out? A suit of armour? 

As a sexual assualt survivor my awareness of my surroundings has heightened over the years. I double back on myself every time I am walking alone, I analyse every person who comes near me in a public space. This has increased even more so since I identified as queer. Holding my girlfriend’s hand, I feel completely at peace. Then I notice the stares, my mind turns to Melania Geymonat and the homophobic attack on her and her girlfriend. I don’t want to live my life in fear at the expense of the fragile and toxic masculinity within men. I have always loved exploring places solo, going out, feeling free, I refuse to let the actions of anyone determine how I live my life. Yet, in the back of my mind I will go over worst case scenarios, I know so many women do the same and we do it unconsciously. Women deserve to walk home and feel safe; they deserve to live their lives out as normal. They deserve to do this without having to mitigate the risks. Stop telling women how to protect themselves and start teaching men how to treat women with respect. 

For Trans women this heightened awareness is even higher than I as a cis women experience. 375 trans people have been reported as murdered in the past 12 months, 96% were trans women or transfeminine people. Women within the LGBTQ+ community face discrimination and prejudice at higher percentages, especially those who belong to minority groups. All trans lives matter and it is not in the responsibility of the trans community to put an end to transphobia. Just like it is out of the control of all women’s hands to fix global gender based violence. The impact of violence against lesbian, bisexual, and transgender women goes beyond the immediate effects of physical attacks. Lesbian, bisexual, and transgender women face discrimination and criminalisation throughout society; in laws, healthcare, education and housing. In every country, discrimination and stigma are a daily fact of life for most LGBTQ+ people. This is a huge systematic problem that cannot be solved overnight. 

Let’s talk about sexual violence portrayed against women. So many women I have spoken to struggle to orgasm during sex, I believe this is due to the huge emphasis on male pleasure during sex. Research shows that more than 30 percent of women report pain during vaginal sex and “large proportions” don’t tell their partners when sex hurts. This is where consent is so important, communicate with your partners, ask them what feels nice. Porn has glorified violent sex and men naturally assume you ‘like it rough’ in the bedroom. Don’t pull your partner’s hair without asking, don’t choke them without asking. It may seem like a small issue but all of these add up to larger patriarchal problems. Then translating into violence in other ways towards women. Grace Milane was murdered by a man who idolised violent sexual acts towards women. He often watched graphic videos on Pornhub to plan what to do to his victims. This is not an issue of men searching on the dark web for such videos. This agression can be found in today’s mainstream pornography on mainstream sites, and the messaging is that sexual violence is sexy.

Womens safety has been at the forefront of conversations in 2021, so I wanted to write this post to address and acknowledge some of the struggles of living as a woman in today’s society. I want to live my life freely. Hold my girlfriend’s hand in public without a second thought. Walk down every road with confidence that I won’t be approached. To know that each time my friends, girlfriend, mum and sister leave the house they are guaranteed safety on that journey. I also want this freedom and safety for every woman around the world. I wish I had a quick fix to the problem, and my heart hurts that I don’t. The truth is this isn’t a simple issue, and there are so many layers to unpeel before we get to the core. One way that we can start is in homes, having conversations with young boys. Breaking these patterns of behaviour towards women, that lead to demeaning attitudes later in life. 

I have been going over in my head all the women we have lost through violence. The pain is deep, the pain is personal. I would do anything to protect the women in my life, to protect all women everywhere. You deserve unconditional, safety & respect in every space you enter. At times I feel the issue doesn’t lie in our hands and I have this sense of hopelessness with what we can do. The most important thing is to keep talking and keep these conversations going. Even if you feel like you are screaming into the void, one voice can start an army.

‘I raise up my voice – not so I can shout, but so those without a voice can be heard… we cannot succeed when half of us are held back.’ – Malala Yousafzai