Over the years since having this blog I have spoken about mental health and the importance of looking after our souls over anything else. Checking in with yourself on your good days as well, so that the bad days become that little bit easier. Staying intentional and taking care of your inner world every day to maintain a sense of self. The world can be so busy and things often feel out of control, sometimes the only sense of calm we can create is within ourselves. This blog has been a place where I have allowed myself to be honest and share so many parts of my life. As I have said before, I choose to be transparent in the hope that someone out there might see my words. That they will feel a sense of peace in knowing that everyone is finding their place in this world. It is okay to struggle and be vulnerable, we are all living this human experience together.

This has truly been in so many ways one of the most unbelievable years filled with so many incredible memories and moments. When I look at my life, I am grateful beyond words. I have a relationship that sets my soul on fire, incredible friends and an amazing family. This is why I feel even more guilty when I am down, when I struggle to get out of bed and at times want to lock myself away from everyone. I am realising that nothing works unless you look after yourself internally. You can have things you would have only ever dreamed of but you still need to take care of your inner world. The last few months I have felt like a terrible friend, finding it hard to hold conversations, be social and interact in the simplest of ways. It is impossible to be there for anyone else unless you are also there for yourself. Although it can be really hard to focus on self-care in a world that prioritises hard work and productivity. I want my loved ones to have the best possible version of ‘me’, realising you cannot pour from an empty cup. Sometimes looking after yourself is the best gift you can give to all the relationships in your life.

When I am having a hard time with my mental health, I panic that I will feel like this forever. Then I remember I have pulled myself out of every bad situation I have been in. These feelings will pass, I also know that they may come back. That’s okay. This human experience is a strange and wonderful one, it’s okay to still be fighting inner demons and finding peace within our own minds. I am learning that it is alright if some days your best is just simply getting out of bed and being able to face the world. My mind often plays tricks on me and I start worrying about my direction in life so much that it takes away from the wonder that is the present moment. Some days I come home & just ball my eyes out for hours. I will be completely fine then suddenly it feels like I’m drowning. Making this post was my way of reaching out to anyone else out there who might also be struggling. Speaking about mental health is so important yet when I do, I worry people will think I am only looking for sympathy. Just know that you are not terrible for taking a few days to reply, or for taking a step back from things, your mental health comes first. Don’t keep how you feel bottled up though, I promise that speaking about how you feel is and always will be the most important step. 

It has been 5 years since my assault this October. I often think about me back then, running away from everything. I hope that 19 year old me is proud. Proud of the life I built and how differently I deal with situations. It is a strange feeling to know that everything younger Kath went through then has brought me to where I am now. Similarly, I hope Kath 20 years from today will be proud of everything I am getting us through at the moment. In the winter of 2016 I accepted that this was just how my life was going to be from now on. That little bit emptier. Yet here I am; living, experiencing so much happiness & love. I wish I could tell every survivor how much better the future will be. That they are so worthy of all the respect & safety in the world. I am learning that however hard the journey is, perspective can help ground you to the present moment. I wouldn’t change anything I have been through. Not the trauma, PTSD, friendships lost, hospital appointments, anxiety, opportunities missed, depression, addiction, none of it. That is because that woman staring back at me in the mirror, she’s the proof that I can make it through anything. Proof that even on the darkest days, there is always light. Whatever I am working through now, I will look back on with gratitude that it brought me to where I was meant to be.

One thing I have taken away from the last few years is the importance of the little things. I feel they aren’t little things but actually end up being big things. When I look back I remember my loved ones’ laughter, sunsets and sunrises I have seen, and the taste of my coffee in the morning. So many tiny moments that make up all the big moments in my extraordinary ordinary life. It is often easy to lose sight of what a privilege it is to be here to breathe, laugh, exist. When I am struggling, I keep myself grounded by noticing the small and brief moments in life. If you are feeling how I have felt the last few months, then take it back to the basics of your thoughts. Trying to intentionally think of everything you’re grateful for, our thoughts set the tone for everything in our lives. Even when you feel out of control, you have the power in your life. Next year I would love to write more posts around mental health with tips and advice. I have learnt so many ways of dealing with bad mental health patches that I would love to share. Learning that nothing ever truly works unless our minds are at peace, so be kind and patient with yourself, you are the longest relationship you have in your life. You deserve all the love and kindness you are willing to give to everyone else.

There is something so magical about looking within yourself and realising you hold all the power in your own life. The key to your happiness, your peace, they all lie within. As we carry on through this journey called life, we will adapt and grow through so many different identities, and this is what makes us beautiful, the experiences we go through, the lives we touch all impact us on our paths. Despite how you feel in the current moment, you will love, grow and heal. It is really hard pulling yourself out of dark spots, but I take so much inspiration from people around me. The other week my girlfriend started working for Bipolar UK, and I got to meet some of the people in charge of the charity. Meeting them and hearing their stories was incredible, despite everything they have been through and all that they still deal with, they are making a difference to others. Seeing my girlfriend working to help better other people’s lives, seeing my best friends flourishing despite their mental health, seeing my mum push through even on her bad days. These are the things that get me out of bed and remind me that no matter what happens, the ability to overcome is right there inside of us. 

The cover photo I have chosen for this post is from a really anxious day I had a few weeks ago. I remember barely functioning all day, mind racing with heart palpitations for most of the afternoon. At around half 3 I decided to get up, make a cup of tea and start slowly sorting my room out. When I walked upstairs the sun was in golden hour and shining through onto my sun tapestry. It looked so beautiful and I felt a sense of calm for the first time that day. I sat down and watched the sun, soaking it all in. Feeling so unbelievably grateful and happy to be alive. It might sound silly but it had been a really grey day and I had hardly moved from the sofa, so seeing the sun shining through felt like a little sign from the universe to say it’s okay Kath you got up in the end. When I look back on this photo it reminds me that through all the dark points, our lives are also made up of and filled with so many moments of light. However bad things feel, they can always get better, sometimes all it takes is making those first small steps.

– Thank you for taking the time to read this post. 2021 has been a whirlwind year and like many creatives I have expressed that the pressure on creating has increased. This blog has always been a hugely positive outlet in my life and that’s how I want it to stay. If you are struggling with putting your art there, remove the pressure, focus on your craft and remember why you started in the first place. For the love of what you do. 

As I finish off this post I unfortunately have tested positive for COVID and I’ve been isolating ever since I developed symptoms. My mental health has suffered a lot this winter and now I am dealing with the horrible reality that I will be isolating over Christmas. I have been working at staying calm and not panicking despite the massive guilt I feel, keeping my mum and family safe at the moment is my priority. Today I sat against my window, felt the breeze on my skin and listened to the birds, still leaning in gratitude for the little things. In a way I feel the universe has given me this time to reflect and build myself back up. This time of year is hard for a lot of people and it feels even tougher at the moment. If you are struggling my dm’s are always open to talk (@kathorourke_), just know whatever difficult moment you are currently facing this too shall pass. Things will always get better, you have so much life to live.