On the evening of Sunday 10th July 2022, I decided to commit to spending some time sober, this quickly turned into 6 months which has now turned into a year sober. After being stuck in a pattern for the first part of 2022 being sober for a few weeks and then drinking again, only to feel awful in return, I finally decided enough was enough. My mind and body needed a break. I needed a break. As I settled into my decision it soon turned to excitement in seeing who I was without Alcohol. To discover more about me and ask myself… What truly makes me happy? This is probably one of the most vulnerable blogs I have ever written, but if there is anything this last year has taught me it is that growth blossoms in discomfort.

So where do I start… Since the age of 15 I have been a party girl. Drinking before school/on the streets for fun, finding any party to attend, sneaking my way into whatever bar/club I could. Being the person that would buy cigarettes and bottles of drink for friends. Spending my weekends at 16 in bars around the West End and Brick Lane. This moved onto me being 17 with a fake ID going to clubs, then being 18 and legal to go out as much as I wanted. I loved the party, the fun of it all, the craziness and mystery that the night held, I think I always will to be honest. There’s something so freeing about it, knowing for that one night you have no inhibitions, I could be as wild as I wanted. I loved dancing and speaking to people with the idea that none of it mattered, anything was possible at night. Even when I was younger I loved the night time. When my Dad would drop us home after a weekend staying with him, I would get him to drive through Central London. Sticking my head out of the window taking in the city lights and nightlife. Street lights twinkling ahead, people smoking outside bars, passers by chattering away on route to a party. I was mesmerised. Maybe this is where the love affair with the night started. 

For years it was so much fun, that is always what it stayed as, just fun. I would party, make a few mistakes and wake up with a mad story to tell. Laughing it all off in the process. As far as I was concerned I was young and just living. Life and soul of any room, first out and last in. The stories from my crazy adventures fuelled my love for it. Living as if tomorrow didn’t exist and having no regrets about it. Moving to university was like letting an already loose cannon free into the world. These were the craziest years of my life, with stories so wild I actually can’t believe they happened. During my second year of University the fun times were overrun by the trail of mess I would leave behind from them. Spending sometimes 7 nights a week out, getting into fights, maxing out my overdraft, landing myself in hospital and ending up in really dangerous situations. I remember during this time people saying to me ‘I’m surprised you’re still alive’. There is still a pain in my heart when I think of what could have been if the series of events during 2016 hadn’t played out. Would I still have certain friendships in my life? Would I have stayed living in London? Would I have done better at University? All I knew was that if I continued to live like that, I would be slowly killing myself.

In one of my blog posts ‘Who says you can’t? You do’ I spoke about leaving University and overcoming harmful life patterns, naturally I had outgrown the way I’d been living at Uni. So keeping my focus on prioritising my health, I moved back home and decided to run the London Marathon, which helped me in more ways than I can explain. Once I ran the marathon I leaned into living in the moment by loving and accepting exactly where I was. During this time partying became the fun again that I remember from being 17. I left toxic people and harmful situations, became newly single, gained my sense of freedom back, reclaiming being young and having fun. I started to enjoy nights out with my friends, meet new people, travel more and live every moment to the fullest. Although the uncontrollable anarchy around my partying became a rare occasion, it wasn’t long until the negative mental health aspects of it crept back up on me. I started to put myself back in situations where I would have to piece my life together afterwards. I loved the party but I didn’t love the debilitating days, sometimes weeks afterwards, riddled with anxiety and depression. It became exhausting and felt like a cycle of having to repair myself after every single night out. 

Throughout the past 12 months I have taken my rose tinted glasses off and seen my drinking/partying for what it was, harmful at times. Looking back I’m incredibly remorseful for how my actions might have impacted other people. At times when I was younger I often felt like a burden and a problem in people’s lives. Waking up after nights out it felt like another person had made those decisions for me, it didn’t feel like me. Through taking accountability for my own actions towards others, I have given myself the space to grieve how I have also been treated. I look back at myself when I was younger and all I can think is you really didn’t deserve to go through that. How people spoke to me, treated me and what happened to me wasn’t okay. I was used as a scapegoat in certain situations and I don’t feel like a lot of the people in my life always had my best interests at heart. I’m learning to slowly make peace with my past though and forgive those people. This has been a process in which therapy has helped massively. Allowing myself to look inwards at my thought processes, habits and behaviours. Accepting the hurt that was caused to me and by me. I have learnt that I am not always in control of what happens to me but I am in control of how I act, react and move forward. So that’s what I’m choosing to do each day, is move forward.

Something I’ve found hard to come to terms with was outgrowing this persona ‘the party girl’. As I’ve said I still enjoy going out, some of my favourites have happened in the last couple years. The last ‘wild’ night out I had was in June 2022. Looking back nothing outrageous happened, no lost belongings, no injuries. To 18 year old Kath this would have been a calm night, despite still rolling in at 5am. What hasn’t changed isn’t my love for the night out itself, it’s the after effects. It takes me so long to get my mental health back to normal, it begins to outweigh any fun that was had. I also feel the physical effects, having Coeliac disease has made my stomach much more sensitive to alcohol. When I decided to stop drinking something that was so important to me was to not change my plans around it. At first naturally some social events took it out of me more than others and I had to step back. Over time I found it so liberating to still be attending every social event, just sober this time. It helped me to realise that some parts of socialising I’d loved still exist. The new memories/stories made, spending time with friends, dancing; they will always be there. I’m still on the dance-floor chatting away, dancing and being my crazy self. I just don’t ruin my life anymore for the sake of ‘fun’ and wake up with crippling anxiety and depression that follows me for weeks after. For a while I felt that I was chasing this idea of who I was. I now see that who we are changes and along with that so do our actions. Embracing that change with open arms is the best form of sacrifice you can make.

Within my first 6 months sober I went to gigs/raves, BBQ’s, Pride both London and Brighton, festivals, bottomless brunches, baby showers, awards shows and Christmas parties. I pushed myself to continue enjoying everything I had done whilst drinking. Each morning after a night out I woke up with a clear head and a more stable outlook. This allowed me to see being sober as a positive choice rather than a setback. Exercising, going to therapy, spending time with loved ones; they were things I felt so grateful for in those first six months. I realised that what was important to me was having those forms of socialising alongside all the other parts of my life. Being able to seek balance and moderation in every aspect. Each time I’d enter a social situation I would ground myself, allowing space to just be. A few times I have debated whether I could stay without drinking. Instead of reaching for a drink to numb any awkwardness, I would either just leave or wait it out in turn realising I can enjoy the night without it. Focusing on my excitement for whatever I was doing as opposed to the drinking aspect helped so much. I am going to a festival… What am I excited about? The acts, dancing in the sun, spending time with my friends. By looking forward to the actual events themselves, I found myself being way more social than I had expected and before I knew it 6 months later I was still sober.

Society’s view on Alcohol and its place within modern life is definitely something that influenced my drinking. Binge drinking is almost encouraged, because we all just want to have a good time and it feels like there’s nothing wrong with that. I have heard the term recently called ‘High functioning alcoholics’, drinking heavily and to excess but still being able to carry out life activities. The peer pressure to often drink mindlessly is something I think impacts this. At times this year I have been made to feel so uncomfortable for a decision I was making, that was best for me. There would have been a time where I probably wouldn’t have understood my decision either. So no judgement, it’s my journey not theirs. We’re all just doing our best and ultimately we can only meet people where we are ourselves. I feel that everyone could benefit from looking at their drinking habits. If you can’t enjoy the event, club or rave without Alcohol then ask yourself why am I there? I’ve realised it should be used to enhance your experience, not replace it. People might not agree with me and if Alcohol doesn’t cause a negative impact on your life that’s fine, I’m happy for you. If it does then I have been exactly like you. It’s easy to just blame it on the wild night and move on, but when it starts to creep past the weekend and affect your everyday it’s important to reevaluate its place within your life. Waking up in the morning after a night out I still find myself quite tired, even when I’m not drinking. This has made me realise how exhausted I must have been with the hangover on top. Being sober has pushed me to prioritise my social battery, I can’t lean on Alcohol anymore. It helped me to see just how important rest is. 

This has in some ways felt like the loneliest internal journey I’ve ever been on. One which has required me to have faith and support in myself despite how I feel in the present. Alcohol has affected my mental health so negatively over the years, that this all came to a head in 2022. There was a time last summer where if it hadn’t been for the fear of leaving my loved ones. I would have liked to not be here anymore. Exhausted, drained, hopeless. The option to not experience the lows, was one that actually had some appeal. They felt so overpowering, so all consuming. Each day felt monotonous and the future I had been so excited for held no appeal. The only way I can describe it was that I was living in grey. I recently looked back at pictures from that time and felt like I was finally viewing them in their true colour. I have always been able to dig myself out of any hard spot in my life. This time I was struggling, the light at the end of the tunnel felt like it was getting dimmer and dimmer. In order to be able to put myself back together. Mentally, physically, spiritually. I needed to be present, to remind myself that this life is beautiful. I can choose to redirect, I can choose a new path, I can choose to channel my energy into whatever I feel serves me. Through choosing this new outlook, something I have learnt is that I don’t have to weather every storm on my own. Leaning on your support system is okay, there are so many people out there that love you. Asking for help makes you stronger than you’ll ever realise. 

Reflecting, I know that this was the best decision I could have ever made for myself. The biggest take away is that I am enough as just me. I am worthy in every room I walk into. I don’t need to shrink or be anyone else. Being me is good enough and always will be. I’m confident in that. I hope you feel the same about yourself and have faith in you along with the decisions you make. Even if they never make sense to other people. I’m realising that although the year is up there are parts of this journey I will continue with. The growth it has given me and ways it has changed me, are boundless. In hindsight quitting drinking for a year was just a part of all the steps I took to get myself back on track. Learning that when I don’t feel good in myself I can’t be present and show up for the people I love. I want to be my best self for me and those who I’m around, a kinder, more thoughtful human being. I care so much about the people I have in my life, and this year has helped me to be even more compassionate towards others. I am learning to live my life without resentment, channel that compassion and see that everything has a place. I still look back at my memories with fondness, because they served me then. There were so many good times. I was a young girl just seeking fun and the party, but at other times I was a young girl dealing with a lot of trauma who simply wanted to escape. I am still that same person in ways. I love socialising, dancing and making new memories, but I no longer want to escape, I want to be right here in the now of my life. That’s one thing about sobriety: it didn’t allow me to leave, it asked me to stay. 

There are so many lessons that this year has taught me. Lessons which I know I will take with me for the rest of my life. I used to block out and wish for a while that none of the bad things had happened. I wished I could have had a more normal relationship with Alcohol. Been like everyone else, not turned to partying to mask my trauma. I’ve learnt that this desperate longing to change the past takes you nowhere. I read the other day that in order to love who you are, you cannot hate the experiences that shaped you. It’s true that the things you learn in life wouldn’t be the same if what you went through changed. So instead I extend empathy for myself back then, for all the decisions I made and everything I didn’t know. I imagine that I can go up to younger Kath, sitting in the smoking area and just give her a hug. Take her home, make her eat something and sit on the end of our bed till she falls asleep. That girl is still with me and I carry her on my shoulders everyday through the new chapters of our life. Remembering everything she went through over the years got us to where we are right now. Making peace with yourself is one of the most important things you can do. There is only one you and whatever decisions/choices you have made, learn to sit with yourself and express love to every inch of you.

The main question that enters my mind now is ‘Does Alcohol have a place in my life anymore?’ To be honest I’m still unsure. Alcohol made me happy for a little while, but it started to steal some of that joy from tomorrow. Drinking was taking me away from myself. I would leave and I wouldn’t be able to find me for days after. This past year I have found myself, all over again and in beautiful new ways. There have also been times where I’ve thought about having a glass of wine with dinner or a nice cocktail at a bar. That moderation still feels like something I will and can obtain. With all the non-alcoholic options out there it is a wonderful feeling to know I have the choice. This is what it comes down to, choices. Every decision I have made this past year has been me, not influenced by anything, just living as authentically and true to myself as possible. To me that sounds like an amazing way to spend your life. I’m grateful I get to call this one mine.

This is my personal experience with Alcohol and I am very grateful/privileged that I have the choice to contemplate its place in my life. If you or someone you know is struggling with addiction here are some places that can help:

https://www.nhs.uk/live-well/alcohol-advice/alcohol-support/ https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/recreational-drugs-alcohol-and-addiction/drug-and-alcohol-addiction-useful-contacts/

If you ever need someone to talk to, my dm’s are open. Always.