Do you remember the last time you paused and just took a moment to reflect? Where you sit back and it hits you, how much has changed and how far you’ve come. A few weeks ago I had a moment of reflection for the last year, in the simplest way. I had just been swimming after work, drying my hair and putting some face cream on. As I looked up into the mirror I felt an indescribable amount of pride for the person looking back at me. She had goggle marks, crazy hair and a lovely spot on her chin. Instead of pulling apart these things, I chose to see someone healthy, strong and beautiful. Someone who nourishes herself with food and has one of the healthiest relationships with her body, than she has ever had. Someone who doesn’t punish herself for enjoying life takes pride in hobbies that make her feel good and prioritises them. Someone who I’m really proud to be. It feels amazing to be in a place where looking after myself is something I find joy in.

It has been a year since I started therapy and this month I finished my last module. I have always prided myself on being super independent and strong. So admitting to not only everyone else but to myself that I needed help, was a really hard step to take. This step was one of the most important things I did last year. Through my therapy modules I have been able to look at my core beliefs, ways I talk to myself and my thought patterns. How I view myself now is so different to this time last year. I’m proud of myself, and my actions and I’m not punishing myself for existing anymore. I feel beautiful, inside and out. For one of the first times in my life, this doesn’t feel like it’s affected by outside forces. Even on the days when I don’t, I’m so grateful for all the techniques therapy has given me to help keep myself grounded. Each day I try to find what opens me up and brings out the most happy and unafraid version of myself. I then go after those things as if nothing else matters, because nothing does.

It is hard in this day and age to feel beautiful without it being dictated by social media, by society, by love interests. As a woman just exercising, laughing, dancing and existing, can feel like it has an extra layer of worry added to it. The worry of what we look like whilst doing all of those things. It is difficult to feel truly comfortable in yourself with the pressure on top. There is so much power in letting go of this and being unapologetic with all that you are. I hope you take up space in the rooms that you enter. I hope you base your worth on not just what looks back at you from the mirror or photos but who you are on the inside. I look in the mirror and think that I’m beautiful, but it’s the woman on the inside that makes that glow. Makes me feel confident when I dress up, it’s the unwavering support and love for herself that pushes me forward. I came across a TikTok the other day of a dad filming his daughter looking in the mirror dressed in her first princess dress. She looked at herself in awe, saying how pretty she was and I thought wow we are born loving ourselves. I would be doing little Kath a disservice to not do the same.

I wrote the poem on which this blog post is based, at a time when I was trying to embrace every season of myself. Trying to hold myself with acceptance and unconditional love. A time where I felt inner turmoil with the inside and outside of who I was, and the changes that surrounded me. Over the last year, I have realised that growing up consists of constantly coming to terms with how my past self might not recognise me now, whilst choosing to love and accept each version. Showing kindness to myself even on days I don’t think I deserve it. Remembering that the body I am sitting in that’s been with me through those seasons, is passed down through so many generations of women. It is the body of my mummy, my nan and her mum. We have the same hands, the same hips, the same strong legs. This is my only home and as Emma Thompson said there is no point wasting your life’s purpose hating it. So I am going to love every inch no matter what.

I hope this poem feels like a hug from me to you. That wherever you are on your journey, you choose to show yourself love and are a little softer with yourself today. Let that self-love pour out of you, onto your family, friends, hobbies and strangers. Let it fill your whole life. I hope you can celebrate this season of yourself and how beautiful you are in it.

Learning to love in November

Learning to love myself when the air is cold.

Learning to love myself as the days draw shorter.

Learning to love myself when the summer glow has worn.

Learning to love myself when my body felt too heavy to get up this morn.

Learning to love myself when I overthink. 

Learning to love myself and my pale skin.

Learning to love myself when I break down over the small things.

Learning to love myself and forgive my mistakes.

Learning to love myself in my natural state.

With tired eyes, textured skin, scars and smile lines. I’m learning to love myself enough to call them mine.

I have my nan’s nose, mum’s smile, dad’s eyes & sister’s laugh. I am a tapestry of people I love. I will remind myself of it when the days feel tough.

To love myself is to allow others to love me, fully without reserve. It helps make the world the place that it is. I’m so grateful love in all its forms exists.